document.write('
Real Teachers

  • Real teachers buy Excedrin and Advil in bulk.
  • Real teachers will eat anything left in the teacher\'s lounge.
  • Real teachers grade papers in the car, during commercials, in faculty meetings, in the bathroom, and at the end of nine weeks have even been seen grading in church.
  • Real teachers know that sixth graders get hormones fromSanta at Christmas.
  • Real teachers cheer when they hear that April 1st doesnot fall on a school day.
  • Real teachers drive older cars owned by credit unions.
  • Real teachers can\'t walk past a crowd of kids withoutstraightening up the line.
  • Real teachers never sit down without first checking theseat of the chair.
  • Real teachers have disjointed necks from writing on boards without turning around.
  • Real teachers are written up in medical journals for the size and elasticity of their bladders and kidneys.
  • Real teachers wear glasses from trying to read the fineprint in the teacher\'s manuals.
  • Real teachers have been timed gulping down lunchin 2 minutes 18 seconds. Master teachers can eat faster than that.
  • Real teachers can predict exactly which parentsshow up at open house.
  • Real teachers understand the importance of makingsure every kid gets a Valentine.
  • Real teachers never teach the conjugations of \"lie\" and\"lay\" to eighth graders.
  • Real teachers know it is better to seek forgiveness than to ask for permission.
  • Real teachers can teach anatomy to high school studentsand not hear the giggles.
  • Real teachers know that the best end of semester lessonplans come from Blockbuster.
  • Real teachers know the shortest distance and length oftravel time to the front office.
  • Real teachers can \"sense\" gum.
  • Real teachers know the difference between what oughtto be graded, what should be graded, and what shouldnever see the light of day.
  • Real teachers know that the first class disruption theysee is probably the second one that occurred.
  • Real teachers have their best conferences in the parking lot.
  • Real teachers have never heard an original excuse.
  • Real teachers know better than to plan discussions orcooperative groups for last period during an observation.
  • Real teachers know that secretaries and custodians really run the school.
  • Real teachers know that rules do not apply to them.
  • Real teachers give themselves away in public becauseof the Vis-a-vis marker smudges all over their hands.
  • Real teachers know that dogs are carnivores and not\"homework paperavores.\"
  • Real teachers know that happy hour does indeed beginon Friday afternoons.
  • Real teachers do not take \"no\" for an answer unless it is written in a complete sentence.
  • Real teachers know the value of a good education andare appalled upon seeing their paychecks.
  • Real teachers hear the heartbeats of crisis\; always have time to listen\; know they teach students, not subjects\; and they are absolutely nonexpendable.




Enter E-mail Address To Receive New Jokes:  
');document.write('
Helicopter Landing

A helicopter was flying above Seattle when an electricalmalfunction disabled all of the aircraft\'s electronicnavigation and communications equipment. Due to theclouds and haze, the pilot could not determine the helicopter\'sposition and course to steer to the airport.

The pilot saw a tall building, flew toward it, circled,drew a handwritten sign and held it up in the helicopterwindow. The pilot\'s sign said, \"Where am I?\" in largeletters.

The people in the tall building quickly responded tothe aircraft, drew a large sign and held it to the windowof their building. Their sign read, \"You are in a helicopter.\"

The pilot smiled, waved, looked at the map, determinedthe course to steer to the SEATAC airport and landedsafely.

After they were on the ground, the copilot asked thepilot how the \"You are in a helicopter\" sign helpeddetermine their position. The pilot responded, \"I knewthat had to be the Microsoft building because, similarto their help-lines, they gave me a technically correctbut completely useless answer!\"


Enter E-mail Address To Receive New Jokes:  
');document.write('
160 Years Old

A lawyer dies in a car accident on his 40th birthday and finds himself greeted at the Pearly Gates by a brass band. Saint Peter runs over, shakes his hand and says \"Congratulations!\"

\"Congratulations for what?\" asks the lawyer.

\"Congratulations for what?\" says Saint Peter. \"We\'re celebrating the fact that you lived to be 160 years old.\"

\"But that\'s not true,\" says the lawyer. \"I only lived to be forty.\"

\"That\'s impossible,\" says Saint Peter. \"We\'ve added up your time sheets.\"


Enter E-mail Address To Receive New Jokes:  
');document.write('
Sports Quotes

\"We\'re going to turn this team around 360 degrees.\" - Jason Kidd

\"Are you any relation to your brother Marv?\" - Basketball player Leon Wood to announcer Steve Albert

\"It\'s almost like we have ESPN.\" - Magic Johnson, on how well he and James Worthy work together.

\"I can\'t really remember the names of the clubs that we went to.\" - Shaquille O\'Neal on whether he had visited the Parthenon during his visit to Greece.

\"My sister\'s expecting a baby, and I don\'t know if I\'m going to be an uncle or an aunt.\" - Chuck Nevitt , North Carolina State basketball player, explaining to Coach Jim Valvano why he appeared nervous at practice, 1982.

\"Tom.\" - Tom Nissalke, New coach of the NBA\'s Houston Rockets, when asked how he pronounced his name, 1966.

\"I\'ll always be Number 1 to myself.\" - Moses Malone

\"I\'m going to graduate on time, no matter how long it takes.\" - Senior basketball player at the University of Pittsburgh

I want all the kids to do what I do, to look up to me. I want all the kids to copulate me. - Chicago Cubs outfielder Andre Dawson on being a role model

\"I lost it in the sun!\" - Billy Loes, Brooklyn Dodgers Pitcher, after fumbling a grounder.

\"You guys line up alphabetically by height.\" - Bill Peterson, a Florida State football coach

\"Men, I want you just thinking of one word all season. One word and one word only: Super Bowl.\" - Bill Peterson, football coach

\"He treats us like men. He lets us wear earrings.\" - Torrin Polk, University of Houston receiver, on his coach, John Jenkins, 1991

\"I don\'t care what the tape says. I didn\'t say it.\" - Football coach Ray Malavasi

\"I may be dumb, but I\'m not stupid.\" - Former football player/announcer Terry Bradshaw

\"I\'m not allowed to comment on lousy officiating.\" - Jim Finks, New Orleans Saints G.M., when asked after a loss what he thought of the refs, 1986

\"Nobody in football should be called a genius. A genius is a guy like Norman Einstein.\" - Football commentator and former player Joe Theismann

\"I want to rush for 1,000 or 1,500 yards, whichever comes first. - New Orleans Saint RB George Rogers


Enter E-mail Address To Receive New Jokes:  
');document.write('
Addressing A Superior Officer

Corporal Conroy needed to use a pay phone, but didn\'t have change for a dollar. He saw Private Duncan mopping the base\'s corridor floors, and asked him, \"Soldier, do you have change for a dollar?\"

Private Duncan replied, \"Sure.\"

The Corporal turned red. He said, \"That\'s no way to address a superior officer! Now let\'s try it again. Private, do you have change for a dollar?\"

Private Duncan replied, \"No, Sir!\"


Enter E-mail Address To Receive New Jokes:  
');