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Bill Gates

Bill Gates died in a car accident. He found himself in Purgatory being sized up by God...

\"Well, Bill, I\'m really confused on this call. I\'m not sure whether to send you to Heaven or Hell. After all, you enormously helped society by putting a computer in almost every home in the world and yet you created that ghastly Windows 95. I\'m going to do something I\'ve never done before. In your case, I\'m going to let you decide where you want to go!\"

Bill replied, \"Well, thanks, God. What\'s the difference between the two?\"

God said, \"I\'m willing to let you visit both places briefly if it will help you make a decision.\"\"Fine, but where should I go first?\"

God said, \"I\'m going to leave that up to you.\"

Bill said, \"OK, then, let\'s try Hell first.\" So Bill went to Hell. It was a beautiful, clean, sandy beach with clear waters. There were thousands of beautiful women running around, playing in the water, laughing and frolicking about. The sun was shining and the temperature was perfect.

Bill was very pleased. \"This is great!\" he told God, \"If this is Hell, I REALLY want to see Heaven!\"

\"Fine,\" said God and off they went. Heaven was a high place in the clouds, with angels drifting about playing harps and singing. It was nice but not as enticing as Hell. Bill thought for a quick minute and rendered his decision.

\"Hmm, I think I prefer Hell,\" he told God.

\"Fine,\" retorted God, \"as you desire.\" So Bill Gates went to Hell. Two weeks later, God decided to check up on the late billionaire to see how he was doing in Hell.

When God arrived in Hell, he found Bill shackled to a wall, screaming amongst the hot flames in a dark cave. He was being burned and tortured by demons. \"How\'s everything going, Bill?\" God asked.

Bill responded, his voice full of anguish and disappointment, \"This is awful, this is not what I expected. I can\'t believe this happened. What happened to that other place with the beaches and the beautiful womenplaying in the water?\"

God says, \"That was the screen saver\".


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Bill Clinton's Going To Die?

During a recent public outing, Hillary slipped off to visit a fortune teller of some local repute. In a dark and hazy room, peering into a crystal ball, the mystic delivered grave news.

\"There\'s no easy way to say this, so I\'ll just be blunt: Prepare yourself to be a widow. Your husband will die a violent and horrible death this year.\"

Visibly shaken, Hillary stared at the woman\'s lined face, then at the single flickering candle, then down at her hands. She took a few deep breaths to compose herself. She simply had to know. She met the fortune teller\'s gaze, steadied her voice, and asked her question.

\"Will I be acquitted?\"


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Poland Joins The Coalition

Polish Marines stormed Bloomingdales Department Store in New York yesterday after its intelligence agency reported that Bed Linen was on the fourth floor.

No one was hurt.


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A Penis And What???

A woman gives birth to a baby, and afterwards, the doctor comes in, and he says, \"I have to tell you something about your baby.\"

The woman sits up in bed and says, \"What\'s wrong with my baby, Doctor? What\'s wrong??\"

The doctor says, \"Well, now, nothing\'s wrong, exactly, but your baby is a little bit different. Your baby is a hermaphrodite.\"

The woman says, \"A hermaphrodite.... what\'s that???\"

The doctor says, \"Well, it means your baby has the... er... features...of a male and a female.\"

The woman turns pale. She says, \"Oh my god! You mean it has a penis AND a brain?\"


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A New Stewardess

An airline captain was breaking in a new blonde stewardess. The route they were flying had a stay over in another city, so upon their arrival, the captain showed the stewardess the best place for airline personnel to eat, shop and stay overnight.

The next morning as the pilot was preparing the crew for the day\'s route, he noticed the new stewardess was missing. He knew which room she was in at the hotel and called her up wondering what happened to her. She answered the phone, sobbing, and said she couldn\'t get out of her room.

\"You can\'t get out of your room?\" the captain asked, \"Why not?\"

The stewardess replied, \"There are only three doors in here,\" she cried, \"one is the bathroom, one is the closet, and one has a sign on it that says, \'Do Not Disturb\'!\"


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