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| Difference Between Jesus & Satan | Jesus and Satan were having an ongoing argument about who was better on his computer. They had been going at it for days, and God was tired of hearing all the bickering. Finally, God said, \"Cool it. I am going to set up a test which will take two hours and I will judge who does the better job.\" So Satan and Jesus sat down at the keyboards and typed away. They moused. They did spreadsheets. They wrote reports. They sent faxes. They sent e-mail. They sent out e-mail with attachments. They downloaded. They did some genealogy reports. They made cards. They did every known job. But, ten minutes before the time was up, lightning suddenly flashed across the sky, thunder rolled, the rain poured and, of course, the electricity went off. Satan stared at his blank screen and screamed every curse word known to man. Jesus just sighed. The electricity finally flickered back on, and each of them restarted computers. Satan started searching frantically screaming, \"It\'s gone! It\'s all gone! I lost everything when the power went out!\" Meanwhile, Jesus quietly started printing out all his files from the past 2 hours. Satan observed this and became even more irate. \"Wait! He cheated! How did he do it?\" God shrugged and said, \"Jesus Saves!\" |
| Yo Mama | Yo mama so fat when she fell over she rocked herself asleep trying to get again. |
| Gifts For Your Teacher | On the last day of kindergarten, the children brought presents for their teacher. The florist\'s son gave her a box. She hook it, held it up, and said, \"I bet I know what it is. Is it flowers?\" \"That’s right!\" said the boy. Then the candy store owner\'s son gave her his package. She shook it, held it up, and said, \"I bet I know what it is. Is it a box of candy?\" \"That\'s right!\" said the boy. Next the liquor store owner\'s son handed her his box. She shook it, held it up, and noticed that it was leaking. She touched a drop with her finger and tasted it. \"I bet I know what it is. Is it wine?\" \"No,\" said the boy. She touched another drop to her tongue. \"Is it Champagne?\" \"No,\" said the boy. \"I give up. What is it?\" The boy grinned. \"A puppy!\" |
| Out Golfing | There\'s a fellow who is an avid golfer. Actually he\'s a golf fanatic. Every Saturday he has an early tee time, gets up early and golfs all day. One Saturday morning, he gets up early, dresses quietly, gets his clubs out of the closet, and goes out to his car to drive to the course. It is raining a torrential downpour. There is snow mixed with the rain and the wind is blowing 50 mph. He comes back into the house and turns the TV to the weather channel. From there he finds it\'s going to be bad weather all day. He puts his clubs back into the closet, quietly undresses and slips back into bed where he cuddles up to his wife\'s back, and whispers, \"The weather out there is terrible. To which she replies, \"Can you believe my stupid husband is out golfing?\" |
| What's My Name? | A guy was invited to some old friends\' home for dinner. His buddy preceded every request to his wife by endearing terms, calling her Honey, My Love, Darling, Sweetheart, Pumpkin, etc. He was impressed since the couple had been married almost 70 years, and while the wife was off in the kitchen he said to his buddy: \"I think it\'s wonderful that after all the years you\'ve been married, you still call your wife those pet names.\" His buddy hung his head. \"To tell you the truth,\" he said, \"I forgot her name about ten years ago.\" |