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  1. Don't sweat the petty things and don't pet the sweaty things.
  2. One tequila, two tequila, three tequila, floor.
  3. Atheism is a nonprophet organization.
  4. If man evolved from monkeys and apes, why do we still havemonkeys and apes?
  5. The main reason Santa is so jolly is because he knows whereall the bad girls live.
  6. I went to a bookstore and asked the saleswoman, "where's theself-help section?" She said if she told me, it would defeat thepurpose.
  7. Could it be that all those trick-or-treaters wearing sheets aren'tgoing as ghosts but as mattresses?
  8. If a mute swears, does his mother wash his hands with soap?
  9. If a man is standing in the middle of the forest speaking and there is no woman around to hear him, is he still wrong?
  10. It there another word for synonym?
  11. Isn't it a bit unnerving that doctors call what they do "practice"?
  12. Where do forest rangers go "to get away from it all?"
  13. What do you do when you see an endangered animal eating anendangered plant?
  14. If a parsley farmer is sued, can they garnish his wages?
  15. Would a fly without wings be called a walk?
  16. Why do they lock gas stations bathrooms? Are they afraidsomeone will clean them?
  17. If a turtle doesn't have a shell, is he homeless or naked?
  18. Why don't sheep shrink when it rains?
  19. Can vegetarians eat animal crackers?
  20. If the police arrest a mime, do they tell him he has the right to remain silent?
  21. Why do they put Braille on the drive-through bank machines?
  22. How do they get the deer to cross at that yellow road sign?
  23. Is it true that cannibals don't eat clowns because they taste funny?





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A bear walks into a bar in Baraboo, Wisconsin and sits down. He bangs on the bar with his paw and demands a beer. The bartender approaches and says," We don't serve beer to bears in bars in Baraboo." The bear, becoming angry, demands again that he be served a beer.

The bartender again tells him," We don't serve beer to bears in bars in Baraboo." The bear, very angry now, says, "If you don't serve me a beer, I'm going to eat that lady sitting at the end of the bar." The bartender once again says "Sorry, we don't serve beer to bears in bars in Baraboo."

The bear goes to the end of the bar, and as promised, and eats the woman. He comes back to his seat and again demands a beer.

The bartender says "Sorry, we don't serve beer to bears in bars in Baraboo that are on drugs." The bear says, " I'm not on drugs." The bartender says," Yes you are, that was abarbitchyouate."




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A blonde and a brunette are running a ranch together in Louisiana. They decide they need a bull to mate with their cows to increase their herd. The brunette takes their life savings of $600 dollars and goes to Texas to buy a bull.

She eventually meets with an old cowboy that will sell her a bull. "It's the only one I got for $599, take it or leave it." She buys the bull and goes to the local telegram office and says, "I'd like to send a telegram to my friend in Louisiana that says: Have found the stud bull for our ranch, bring the trailer."

The man behind the counter tells her, "Telegrams to anywhere in the U.S. are $.75 per word." She thinks about it for a moment and decides. "I'd like to send one word, please." "And what word would that be?" inquires the man.

"Comfortable." replies the brunette.

The man asks, "I'm sorry miss, but how is your friend gonnaunderstand this telegram?"

The brunette replies, "My friend is blonde and reads REAL slow, when she gets this, she will see COM-FOR-DA-BULL."




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There were three young priests about to take their final vows. The last test that they had to pass was the celibacy test. For this, all three had to strip naked and tie a little bell around their penis. After this, a belly dancer entered the room and started slinking around the first priest...

"Ting-a-ling"

The chief priest said "Oh, Patrick, I'm disappointed. You've failed. Go and have a shower."

The belly dancer had stripped as far as her last veil for the second guy before the chief priest heard...

"Ting a ling"

"Joseph, I'm very disappointed. You can't resist the temptation of a woman. Go for a shower."

The belly dancer started dancing totally naked now around the last priest. She did everything erotic she could think of... but no bell rang!

"John, I'm delighted. You've passed! You can resist the temptation of women. Now, go relax and take a shower with Patrick and Joseph"

"Ting-a-ling"




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Jake and Mike were on their way to the ski resort when they got caught in a terrible blizzard. They found a farmhouse and asked its rather attractive housewife if they could spend the night. "Oh, I don't think so," she explained. "You see, I'm recently divorced and you know how neighbors will talk."

"Well, then," said Jake, "how about if we just sleep in your barn?" That seemed acceptable to all.

About nine months later, Jake got a letter from the woman's attorney. He immediately phoned his ski buddy, Mike. "Hey, Mike. Do you remember our ski trip and that good-looking divorcee? You didn't happen to sneak into her house in the middle of the night and have sex with her, did you?"

"Well, yeah, I did."

"And, by any chance did you happen to use my name instead of yours?"

Mike blushed. "Well, yeah, I'm afraid I did."

"Hey, thanks! She just died and left me everything!"




635 Clean Random Jokes
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