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88 Clean Men Jokes
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How many men does it take to open a beer?None. It should be opened by the time shebrings it.

Why is a Laundromat a really bad place topick up a woman?Because a woman who can't even afford awashing machinewill never Be able to support you.

Why do women have smaller feet thanmen?So they can stand closer to the kitchensink.

How do you know when a woman's aboutto say something smart?When she starts her sentence with "A manonce told me..."

How do you fix a woman's watch?You don't. There's a clock on the oven!

Why do men pass gas more than womendo?Because women won't shut up longenough to build up pressure.

If your dog is barking at the back door andyour wife is yelling at thefront door, which do you let in first?The dog of course...at least he'll shut upafter you let him in.

All wives are alike, but they have differentfaces so you can tell themapart.

What's worse than a Male Chauvinist Pig?A woman that won't do what she's told.

What do you call a woman with two braincells?Pregnant.

I married Miss Right. I just didn't know herfirst name was always.

I haven't spoken to my wife for 18 months - Idon't like to interrupther.

What do you call a woman who has lost95% of her intelligence?Divorced.

Bigamy is having one wife too many. Somesay monogamy is the same.

Scientists have discovered one certain foodthat diminishes a woman'ssexdrive by 90%...wedding cake




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Our lager, which art in barrels,
Hallowed be thy drunk, (I will be drunk),
At home as in the tavern.
Give us this day our foamy head,
And forgive us our spillages,
As we forgive those who spill against us,
and lead us not to incarceration,
But deliver us form hangovers,
For thine is the beer,
The bitter and the lager,
Forever and ever,
Barmen




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A MAN'S ANSWERS TO EVERY QUESTION A WOMAN EVER ASKS

  1. WHY ARE MEN SUCH JERKS? It's a testosterone thing. Much similar to your PMSthing, we men suffer from testosterone poisoning. Why do you thinkthe average life span of a male is typically 10 years shorter (andit's not just from all the bitching and nagging we have to endure)?Hormonemodifies behavior. We're just misunderstood.
  2. WHY DO MEN ALWAYS HAVE TO OGLE AT OTHER WOMEN? Again, this is a testosterone thing. Do you honestlythink that all the testosterone just fell out of our bodies themoment we metyou? Besides, women do it as well. Women are just much betterat not getting caught. I'm fairly certain it's some sort ofphotographic memory deal. Women take one quick look and memorize itfor later reference. Since men lack this ability, we try to burnit into our memory by staring as much as we can.
  3. WHY DO MEN ALWAYS TOUCH THEMSELVES, ESPECIALLY INPUBLIC? We occasionally need to adjust our little friend andmake him happy. It's much like adjusting your bra. Being inpublic is just an added bonus.
  4. WHY DO MEN ALWAYS SAY SUCH STUPID THINGS? We like to. It's actually a whole lot of fun to seeour partner frustrated by a few simple (and well chosen) words.
  5. WHY ARE MEN SO UNCOMMUNICATIVE? You'd learn to keep your big mouth shut too if everytime you open it you get into trouble with your partner.
  6. WHY DO MEN HAVE TO ACT LIKE SUCH RETARDS? Well, we don't actually have to; we do it because weenjoy it. It's the old fashioned pride in a job well done that'smissing in so much of the world nowadays. Farting is another fun thingfor men!!
  7. WHY CAN'T MEN JUST SHARE THEIR FEELINGS? Do we look like women to you? Why is it so hard tounderstand that men and women are different? How are we supposed toshare how we feel when we have no idea how we feel? Unless we'reexperiencing some extreme emotion like rage, hatred, disgust, or a brickon our foot,we have no idea how we feel. Personally, I get a headachewhenever I try to figure out how I feel.
  8. WHY CAN'T MEN CUDDLE MORE (I.E., LIE DOWN AND HUG)? Please ... How many hours do you think there is in aday? We oblige you as much as we can, but who the hell (besideswomen) can stand lying around for hours on end? We men ... Menhunters ... Need go roam ... Starve in cave ... Must go find wildebeest... Nowsitting on our asses for hours on end on the other hand is awhole other story.
  9. HOW CAN MEN SIT ON THEIR ASSES ALL DAY WITHOUTMOVING? Men have very powerful sets of sitting musclesdeveloped by evolution that enable us to sit for extended periods oftime without getting tired. In prehistoric times, it was oftennecessary to sit in one spot for extended periods of time while hunting forprey. Themore successful hunters were able to sit very still for veryextended periods of time thereby passing on this ability to theirprogeny. The fidgety types were all gobbled up by saber toothedtigers etc. Theend result is that almost all modern men are born with thisinnate ability.
  10. WHY CAN'T MEN JUST SAY "I LOVE YOU?" Men are taught from a tender young age to beself-sufficient. To say that we love you is equivalent to saying that weneed you. Most men consider that a character fault. It's not easy toadmit to one's own character faults.
  11. WHY DO MEN SAY "I LOVE YOU" WHEN THEY HARDLY KNOWME? Ho, Ho, Ho ... Aren't you special? Well, some menthink it's a sure fire way to get into your pants. Surprisingly, itactually still works quite well.
  12. WHY DOESN'T MY PARTNER EVER ANSWER ME? We just simply don't have the energy to answer everysingle one of your questions. If we think we do not have theanswer, or that you will not like the answer, we simply remain quiet andsave the energy for other things.
  13. WHY WON'T MEN EVER PICK UP AFTER THEMSELVES? Why should we? It doesn't really bother us thatmuch. Besides, we know darn well you'll pick it up.
  14. WHAT'S WITH ALL THE BELCHING AND FARTING? This usually only occurs after months of courting.It's our way to let you know that we're comfortable with you. Believeit or not, it's actually a sign of affection. Besides, holding itfor extended periods of time gives us stomach cramps.
  15. WHY DO MEN HATE SHOPPING? It's an evolutionary thing. Men hunt. Women gather.We just want to go out, kill it, and bring it back. Who wants tospend hours and hours to look at things we have no intention of killing?Err ... buying?




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A Scotish man was at a baseball game.

It was the first time he had ever seen the sport so he sat quietly. The first batter approached the mound, he took a few swings and then hit a double. Everyone was on their feet screaming "Run, Run."

This happened two more times, with a single and a triple. The Scotish man was now exited and ready to get into the game.

The next batter came up and four balls went by. The umpire called "walk" and the batter started on a slow trot to first. The Scotchman, extremely excited now, stood up and screamed, "R-R-Run ye basstarrd, rrrun!"

Everyone around him started laughing. So the Scotchman, extremely embarrased, sat back down. A friendly fan, seeing the Scotchman's embarassment, lened over and said, "He can't run - he got four balls."

The Scotchman then stood up and screamed, "Walk with pride, man...walk with pride!"


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A man and a woman were having drinks, getting to know one another and started bantering back and forth about male / female issues. They talked about who was better in certain sports, who were the better entertainers, etc. The flirting continued for more than an hour when the topic of sex came up. So they got into an argument about who enjoyed sex more.

The man said, "Men obviously enjoy sex more than women. Why do you think we're so obsessed with getting laid?"

He then went on for several hours arguing his point, even going so far as to ask other men in the bar for their opinions. The woman listened quietly until the man was finished making his point. Confident in the strength of his argument, the man awaited her response.

"That doesn't prove anything," the woman countered.

"Think about this - When your ear itches and you put your little finger in it and wiggle it around, then pull it out, which feels better - your ear or your finger?


88 Clean Men Jokes
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