Funny New Clean Jokes
The newest clean jokes on EmailAJoke.com are below. Bookmark this page and check back often for more jokes!
The day after his wife disappeared in a kayaking accident, an Anchorage man answered his door to find two grim faced Alaska State Troopers. "We're sorry Mr. Wilkens, but we have some information about your wife," said one of the troopers. "Tell me! Did you find her?" Wilkens asked. The troopers looked at each other. One said, "We have some bad news, some good news, and some really great news. Which would you like to hear first?" Fearing the worst, the ashen Mr. Wilkens said, "Give me the bad News first." The trooper said, "I'm sorry to tell you, sir, but this morning we found your wife's body in Kachemak Bay." "Oh my God!," said Wilkens. Swallowing hard, he asked, "What's the good news?" The trooper continued, "When we pulled her up, she had 12 twenty pound King crabs and 6 good-sized Dungeness crabs clinging to her, and we feel you are entitled to a share in the catch." Stunned, Mr. Wilkens demanded, "If that's the good news, then what's the great news?" The trooper smiled and said, "We're gonna pull her up again tomorrow." |
Young people have often resorted to shortcuts when texting. Now seniors have their own texting codes:
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An old man in Florida calls up his son in Michigan and says, "Listen, your mother and I are getting divorced. Forty-five years of misery is enough." "Dad, what are you talking about?" the son screams. “We can't stand the sight of each other any longer,” he says. "I'm sick of her face, and I'm sick of talking about this, so call your sister in California and tell her," and he hangs up. Now, the son is worried. So he calls up his sister. She says, "Like hell they’re getting divorced!" and calls her father immediately. "You’re not getting divorced! Don't do another thing, the two of us are flying home tomorrow to talk about this. Until then, don't call a lawyer, don't file a paper, do you understand?” and she hangs up. The old man turns to his wife and says "Okay, they’re coming for Christmas and paying their own airfares." |
When four of Santa's elves got sick, the trainee elves did not produce toys as fast as the regular ones, and Santa began to feel the Pre-Christmas pressure. Then Mrs. Claus told Santa her Mother was coming to visit, which stressed Santa even more. When he went to harness the reindeer, he found that three of them were about to give birth and two others had jumped the fence and were out, Heaven knows where. Then when he began to load the sleigh, one of the floorboards cracked, the toy bag fell to the ground and all the toys were scattered. Frustrated, Santa went in the house for a cup of apple cider and a shot of rum. When he went to the cupboard, he discovered the elves had drunk all the cider and hidden the liquor. In his frustration, he accidentally dropped the cider jug, and it broke into hundreds of little glass pieces all over the kitchen floor. He went to get the broom and found the mice had eaten all the straw off the end of the broom. Just then the doorbell rang, and an irritated Santa marched to the door, yanked it open, and there stood a little angel with a great big Christmas tree. The angel said very cheerfully, 'Merry Christmas, Santa. Isn't this a lovely day? I have a beautiful tree for you. Where would you like me to stick it?' And thus began the tradition of the little angel on top of the Christmas tree. Not very many people know this. |
Why was Santa's little helper depressed? Because he had low elf esteem. |
NASA's robot Curiosity landing on Mars. Early pictures show no signs of ESPN, beer or porn. This makes it very clear that men are not from Mars. |
Q: Why is it a good thing that Mitt Romney doesn't drink beer? A: Because no one would want to have one with him. |
Q: How does Mormon presidential candidate Mitt Romney expect to win the soccer mom vote? A: By marrying all of them! |
My husband, being unhappy with my mood swings, bought me a mood ring the other day so he would be able to monitor my moods. We've discovered that when I'm in a good mood, it turns green. When I'm in a bad mood, it leaves a big red mark on his forehead. Maybe next time he'll buy me a diamond. |
I use shampoo in the shower. When I wash my hair, the shampoo runs down my whole body, and printed very clearly on the shampoo label is this warning, "FOR EXTRA VOLUME AND BODY". No wonder I have been gaining weight! Well! I have gotten rid of that shampoo and I am going to start showering with Dawn dish soap instead. Its label reads, "DISSOLVES FAT THAT IS OTHERWISE DIFFICULT TO REMOVE." Problem solved. If I don't answer the phone I'll be in the shower! |